Fiction Book Edit

Project Overview

Genre: Mystery and Romance Fiction
Type: Line Editing + Developmental Editing

Client: Unaffiliated
Goal: Enhance narrative flow, improve clarity and rhythm, preserve voice, and correct minor grammar issues

Original

Ivy opened the door looking livid and disarrayed. The kid could be heard inside yelling for her to calm down and that he did this for her. She didn’t seem to care. And Loki suddenly found his cool, collected almost unshakable professional demeanor flee him in that moment. Even his fated companion cynicism vanished for a second. He tried to rationalize that this response was because of his mother’s unnerving presence, but couldn’t help but notice painfully insignificant things about Ivy Valerian. He had expected an intimidating, plain-looking, crazy science lady, that he would find overall unpleasant and strange.  Ivy Valerian was none of those things. She was the very opposite of plain, with glowing skin, perfect teeth, distinctive features, and a mane of beautiful coils, and smelled good. He stared.  In unbelief that his mind even went there, his first words came out stuttered. “H-hi, I’m D-detective Loki Da—“ She raised a brow her eyes still burning in anger and she bit back interrupting him “You sure about that?” Without waiting for a response she continued, “No?” Smacking her distracting lips together in an irritated fashion she hardly gave him a chance to breathe before slamming the door in his face. He could hear Julian scolding her and her stomping feet retreat. His tense shoulders dropped and he snuck a glance at his mother and was mortified to see her laughing silently. He said nothing, feeling his face burn, and simply huffed showing his displeasure with her response, and knocked on the door once more. 

Edited

Hesitantly, he knocked on the door and pressed the doorbell with slightly shaky hands. Ivy opened the door, looking livid and disarrayed. He had seen pictures of her, of course, he had. But for some reason, he had expected an intimidating, plain-looking, crazy science lady, whom he would find unpleasant and strange.  Ivy Valerian was none of those things. She was the very opposite of plain, with glowing skin, perfect teeth, distinctive features, and a mane of beautiful coils. A subtle, deeper inhale let him know she smelled amazing, faintly herbal, but warm and spicy. Her furrowed brows and downturned lips didn’t detract from her looks at all. He stared.  

In the background, Julian could be heard– “Ivy, I know you said no to outsiders, but Loki is cool–I promise!”  She didn’t seem to care. And Loki suddenly found his “cool”, collected, unshakable professional demeanor flee him. Even his cynicism vanished for a second. He couldn’t help but notice painfully insignificant things about Ivy Valerian. In disbelief that his mind even went there, his first words came out stuttered. “H-hi, I’m D-detective Loki Da—“ She raised a brow, her fiery eyes shooting him as she bit– “You sure about that?” Without waiting for a response, she mocked, “No?” Smacking her distracting lips together, she stepped back, and the door slammed in his face. His tense shoulders dropped, but his face burned as he let out a shaky breath. He snuck a glance at his mother and was mortified to see her laughing silently. He huffed, trying to seem unbothered, but Nicola couldn’t muffle her chuckle. The door swung open once more, this time with a tanned youth with long brown hair in the doorway looking apologetic. Julian. 

Editorial Notes

  1. Narrative flow: Shortened long, repetitive sentences to create momentum and urgency

  2. Plot Holes and Narrative Flow: Rearrange sentence order and address logical gaps in the passage for a more immersive narrative.

  3. Tone & rhythm: Replaced flat phrasing (“very tall,” “was scared”) with evocative language

  4. Show, don’t tell: Shifted from exposition to sensory immersion (“torch flickering,” “rustling low through the leaves”)

  5. Voice preservation: Kept a slightly poetic, moody style appropriate for mystery and romance adult fiction

  6. Tension-building: Used sentence length variation to mirror rising tensions

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